Credit goes to checknote.tk of pD:
It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made
everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was
coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I
carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet
her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying
her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and
she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain,
wearing not enough to keep her warm.
I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and
stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."
Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car.
She said she hadn't eaten lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop
at some place to eat.
Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said
she would take the train back home.
Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with
umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about
who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently.
Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I
understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this
kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring
at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.
But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the
other train station."
We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back
then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat
dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more
like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with
the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of
college, having lived together for two years, we developed deep
feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I
stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only
able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for
long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.
We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and
I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked
liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly.
Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing,
drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I
wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her
and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we
passed by the park where we use to always go.
She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while
please, I promise I'll go home right after this."
With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an
annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches
looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she
was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on
that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it
right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was
drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember
this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around
for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.
She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my
heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was
pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't
want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You
made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I
frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"
I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we
just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to
each other.
Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early,
so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living
my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think
about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a
month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the
nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away,
but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it
anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came
out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did
not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but
it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to
go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide.
But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially
Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still
doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't
have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her.
It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the
fastest way to wipe out three years feelings.I didn't have much time,
because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out
eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be
over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what
I had in mind.
The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just
standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.
I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take
care of yourself, take good care of yourself."
She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped
umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two
single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I
opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that
would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the
dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking
out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I
couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving
my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be
the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I
wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi
had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my
face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the
rain. I was cold inside.
She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until
today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away
by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl
Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he
left, writing down these last words.
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